The threatening skies overhead and the slight sprinkles of rain that have already begun to fall reflect how much I forebode coming to talk to her. But it is time I tell myself as I take a seat and place the flowers down for you. The usual flowers you love, full blooming mixes of carnations, roses, and other flowers in an array of colors of life.
I sit there looking at you, it's been so long, I avoided coming to visit you but it was time. My dreams were haunted by you, my waking thoughts began to be tampered with getting back in touch with you. You must have had a lot to say by the look of things.
I just sit there and take a deep breath and begin, "Well I guess this is going to be a one-sided relationship. I should have come a lot sooner, after so much time has gone by and I never did come back to you to give it a final goodbye. The ups and downs you and went through, the high ups when there wasn't anything in the world that mattered, could bother, or take the smiles off our faces at the sightliest mention of our names to each to her, your scent left behind on the pillows, clothing, car....how I yearned for you all this time. How it has affected other relationships, the constant comparisons. I could talk the game to the current ones about how they were the only one, how much I wanted them, cared for them, or needed them. But it was tainted by you, I was caught in constant comparisons. She doesn't do this like Her, she does it this way where She would do it this way. Where did that high crash for us? Where did it all get so tangled and that great amount of love turn to such a venomous hate? I explained the death of our child wasn't fully my fault, I had no idea the street corner that day would go ablaze in gunfire, that a bullet would rip through my shoulder and steal our son from us! From me!"
I pause as I can see the world become blurred behind burning tears, "I came home with my arm in that sling that night after the funeral torn up, broken, shattered, but so willing to fall into your arms, the only place I've always felt safe. To see you sitting there on the couch, to see you aim the piece at me, scream how much you hated me, and then that loud thunderous explosion in my ears as I saw all that life, that love, the history, the future leave to join our son. And I felt myself die with you, I felt the end come for me. I begged for it to come, I screamed for it to end. But the shadow of Death would only tease me, over time I find some that I could take comfort with. The most recent is so dear to me, but I feel that she can see the tainted, the hesitation I have in fully giving myself to her. Oh how I want to!"
I begin to wipe away the dirt, dried flowers from family members from your grave stone, "How would I ever be the man she deserves if I'm still hung up on you? If you still have my hear with you and our son? What can I do to earn your forgiveness? I've left that life behind, escaped its web, to still be tormented to this day with the dry blood on my hands. To never escape the demons that haunt me. A mere shell of what I could have become. But the hope I see is in this woman now, the present, the future. Would I lose her to because of your ghost? I can't simply give up on you, I so desperately need your forgiveness!"
I break down at that moment, bellowing out "Please forgive me!" Over and over. The skies overhead open up drowning me physically in my own sorrow.
A voice behind me clears their throat as a young child stands next to me, covering us both with his umbrella, I look around and see a car near mine, unknown people sitting in the sit as their watch their son who apparently had begged his parents to stop, "Mister," he says in his young voice, "Those are her tears of forgiveness coming down on you now, washing you clean."
He turns away from me and heads to the car with his umbrella as walks back to the car, his parents wave at me and drive off as the boy just stares through me. The innocence in his eyes, his joy of life, reminds me of her. I realized my tears have stopped coming down with the rain, I place a kiss on my fingers and onto her stone. I whisper, "Goodbye."
Standing my clothes muddy, soaked through to my bones I stumble, drained from deep within to my car. I start it up and drive home on autopilot, not remembering getting on the highway, the streets, and finally in the driveway.
I come into the house and you are standing there cleaning up the living room, you look up full of happiness at my return, but you see the drawn in expression of my face, the redness of my puffy eyes, the tear streaked face, my still dripping wet and mud caked clothes.
You rush over looking into my eyes as you begin to pull the clothes off me and pile them next to the door, I do the same to you stripping you to bare as I stand there bare, I lift you up in my arms and carry you up to our bed. Placing you on the bed, you see me still just watching your body, I kiss you full on the lips after we break the kiss your voice heavy in confusion asks, "How can you look at me like that?"
Weakly all I can mutter out, "Like what?"
You respond back still lost, "Like this is the first time you've seen me, kissed me, or touched me."
I look my eyes on yours, squinting as I study the confusion in them, the warmth, the love, the life, "Because it is." I respond as I give you another of our first kisses, and another, and a third, fourth. My hands relearning your body, exploring every curve, my lips and tongue trace the path of my hands exploring, finding all your spots, learning, educating myself to your pleasure.
Your holding onto the pillow, biting your lips as I explore the inner folds of your pussy, my tongue darting this way, that way, up, down, around, right, left, in, out, harder, softer, faster, slower. The sensations sweeping over you as you climax onto my awaiting mouth, oh the taste, the sweetest thing in the world I tell you as I drink it down.
Sliding, kissing, licking, tasting your body up your body my erection sinking home into you, again the same attention is paid to your pleasure, my education. I make such love to you as I come up on my knees and look down on you as your eyes roll in your head as my strokes find your spots, my hands kneed your breasts, finding that right combination of twisting, tweaking pressure on your nipples.
Feeling you thrust back at me as our eyes maintain constant hold on them, the love we are making is so far beyond the physical that I can't hold back as the explosion is pending, you grind back on me, clutching me, caressing me, pulling me so deep in to you that our explosions rip through us both at the same time, our moans in perfect harmony. As the last wave rips through us I collapse down on you, in your ear I whisper, "I love you, your the only one I want." You stroke my sweat soaked hair and whisper back in my ear, "I love you too, and I know that now."
We lay there for a long while, just caressing, not speaking, just cuddling, the unspoken words so powerful, so true. I fall into your arms, comfort. And for the first time in so many years can find a peaceful dream, of us.
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